WHO MARRIES WHO AND WHY?

SELECTING YOUR MATE

Who marries who, and why?  You look for romance when looking for a mate. It is not a hit or miss operation.  Most of us over several years go through a dating system that exposes all of us to an ever-narrowing field of potential marital mates.   Through trial and error you learn your options. Others reveal themselves to you allowing you to assess their qualities as your potential mate. 

Social, cultural and psychological factors also influence you. Your mating does not begin with romance.  Less romantic factors play a great role in your eventual choice.  Love relationships appear after you filteri out other factors.

In some societies, mate selection is arranged, with no options.  You could never ask: “Am I making the right choice?”  Marriage is not made in heaven.  It involves a number of possibilities that lead you to be ambivalent and hesitant.

You look for someone your age, religion, race, family background. and birth order.  You also want your mate to share your values, interests, and your personality.  All these factors are variable and depend on how much pressure you get from friends and family.

You may be pushed to move rapidly to marriage because of love, companionship, emotional and financial security, status, and social and family pressures.  A magnet may be pulling you together neutralizing your fears.

You may be pushed by society that tells you to value marriage and have a family.  Society still sees marriage as the expected outcome of a love relationship.  With legitimization of sex. you are pushed toward marriage since it also legitimizes your relationship.

You may also look at marriage as an escape from loneliness, an unhappy home, financial pressures if you are a single parent, premarital pregnancy and the fear of getting old and thinking: “its now or never”.

Our complex society leaves you fragmented and isolated.  You need a stable, secure relationship with someone strong, who can fulfill your emotional needs and on whom you can depend.

At the same time, you want to share your interests and activities.  They may daily have highs and lows.  In marriage, communication is free and open. You can now eliminate the game playing, and disclose your true thoughts and feelings.  You may desire to finally have children, along with emotional and financial security. 

Birds of a feather flock together.  You often don’t get attracted to someone who is different from you. You unconsciously eliminate dissimilar people.  There is the tendency for likes to marry likes.  The more traits you share, the greater the probability you will marry.

Family and friends have an impact on how you define your relationship.  You are invited to social functions and become included in family activities.  You are told what a nice pair you make.  If there is negative feedback from your friends, it may destroy your relationship with your mate.

Your parents taught you how to love and who to love.  A search for the right person, means you have a pool of eligible that are socially approved. You should choose your mate from this pool.

You will tend to marry someone nearby.  If you live far apart, you are less likely to meet or keep a relationship long enough to get deeply involved.   Long distance relationships, become a drain on you.  Since we are a mobile society, you are likely to select someone from work or the neighborhood you now live.

Don’t rob the cradle.  You don’t need a father figure or to marry your mother. Most married couples are at most 2-3 years different in age.  Some emotionally immature people hope to escape their family problems and break away from their emotional dependence on their parents.  This social immaturity is one of the causes of the high divorce rate.

Do you speak the same language?  Those with the same values, education, and goals are more likely to want to be together.  Common values are shared in similar social classes and educational backgrounds.  You are drawn to someone who accepts your basic values and engages in your activities. You have less to argue about and more to talk about and enjoy being together.

Opposites do not attract!  You are on your best behavior when dating and look for someone with your personality. You have a unique set of criteria of who is and who is not a suitable mate.  You can be as choosy as you dare.  If you have few assets and more liabilities, perhaps divorced with several children, you may have to settle for someone less desirable, since you bring more baggage into your relationship.

You only continue a relationship if you are getting as much out of it as you are investing.  You want to maximize your chances for a good marriage.  If you believe you have a lot of assets, you will look for someone of comparable value.  If you are satisfied with the exchange, your match is likely to be successful. 

Equity is not equivalent to equality. Every one wants a fair deal.  You don’t need to both be earning the same amount of money, and work as hard as each other, but you don’t want to be shortchanged.  Your mate’s physical attractiveness, family background, and career expectations and potential all add to this equity.

It takes time to share and disclose your values and attitudes.  The longer you date, the more likely your marriage will be successful.  You will more likely find the perfect match.

With rising divorce rates and high remarriage rates, finding a perfect mate is no longer an issue that confronts just the young.

 GOOD LUCK!

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