IS YOUR MARRIAGE FUN OR IS IT LONELY?

IS YOUR MARRIAGE FUN OR IS IT LONELY?

We are surrounded by marital deterioration.  We are told that marriage as an institution is dead and we should find other ways of loving and living.  So why do 80% of men and women who divorce before the age of 40 remarry within 5 years?  Is seems marriage is still very popular and not a failing institution.  What attracts you into marriage and what holds you there or returns you there if you get a divorce?

It is shear pleasure to wake up at the beginning of a day in the presence of another human.  You can talk about how you slept well or badly, and what tasks you have in store today.

 Despite being hurried, restructure your priorities to allow some brief time together for breakfast,.  Whether drinking your coffee in silence or chattering, the five or ten minutes together may help start your day well.    Even if the morning contact is characterized by an argument, you may find it non-harmful.  Besides, you may get pleasure in a fight or struggle.  Talking, walking, or working together after breakfast may be the right setting for communicating or even complaining that your in-laws and teenagers are always present. 

After getting married, you neglect the very activities that made you happy.  Usually your spouse is jogging while you are elsewhere. You drive in a frenzied manner, at a time when both of you could relax and communicate.  At least you may feel close and in harmony even if you say nothing. You find yourselves a distance away from each other, instead of sharing togetherness.

Holidays can bring out family bickering and infighting.  Religious holidays at least should create joy.  The family picnic, the fireplace, the secular holidays all can provide pleasure and shared memories.  The charm of events is not that they happened but in anticipating and looking back, and talking about memorable things that happened. 

Marriage will not cure your loneliness.  You may think that you can’t be lonely since you are not alone.  Loneliness can be caused by lack of intimacy or lack of social connectedness.  Marriage will not protect you from either of them.  Anger and neglect, excessive expectations can isolate you leaving you misunderstood and unsupported.   You may not know your neighbors and you fail to reach out to society.  You may stay at home too much and not wish to engage in the outside world.

A lack of intimacy may occur with the arrival of your new baby, or you may have several little kids at home.  You must both get away from home.  You may gripe about how much your mate works, plays golf, travels and is unavailable for close contact.  Do you really want your spouse around more or are his frequent absence a way for you to complain of life in general.  Does your spouse really want intimacy with you?  Are you complaining about something that has been going on for years?

Your loneliness may show up as a physical symptom, or in an unproductive unacceptable behavior.  Are you alone or lonely? 

Your spouse’s business trip can be a time for you to visit friends or read a good book, but it can be terrifying if you are in a bad humor.  Do you drink too much to alleviate you bad feelings.  This may result in disturbed sleep or weight gain, or even brain deterioration. If your man is remote from you, too busy for friends, and social connections, he may turn to an affair to relieve his loneliness.  

You then feel hurt and abandoned and you too may start an extramarital relationship.  This infidelity may be your way to cope with marital distance for a while, but in the end it leads to divorce.  If you resist affairs, your withdrawal and absence is motivated by loneliness. 

You and your husband become more involved in separate work and leisure activates.  Being a workaholic, you damage your health and are starved for intimacy. Career obsessions and social business cant replace the comfort of closeness.   It is often the cause of depression.  You need to be physically near someone and be able to talk openly. 

Having kids can be a substitute for intimacy.  If you cling to your kids, it makes them also lonely.  Don’t ask what marriage can do for you, but what both of you can do for the marriage. 

Some people are not lonely because of marital problems, but simply can't reach out into the world.  Like a child, you hope to be cared for daily and don’t find social contacts in the community.  Maybe your grew up shy and insecure and lacked self confidence.  You were lonely alone, and now are lonely despite being married. 

Perhaps you see yourself as worthless or unattractive.  You lack skills to start friendships and don’t like new acquaintances.  You may lack showing interest in the other person, and are too reluctant to reveal things about yourself. You are too sensitive to even slight rejection, or maybe you want to be the center of attention with the other person.  Perhaps you just don’t enjoy spending some time alone. 

The greater you are aware of your hidden problem the easier to find your own solutions.  Work on these things and your loneliness will quickly disappear.

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