THE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
Are you depressed about the nest being empty? Can you rediscover yourselves and each other through new activities? In the past, empty nests that were child centered went through a stormy period when you had to become comfortable again in your marital role as husband and wife. Most divorces are filed within two years of the last child leaving home.
Child centered families had the mom cooking and keeping house, and attending to her kids needs instead of her husband's needs. Your husband went to athletic events with his son and did not go out with his wife. You dressed more as your kid does and called your husbands child his son and the man talked of his daughter his wife’s daughter.
If your large nose bothers you or your droopy eyelids, you can go and have plastic surgery. If everything can be changed, why can’t you and your mate? Most of us today can afford a divorce. The wife can get a job and become financially independent. The economic cement does not hold marriages together. There is no reason to force you to stay married if you have no desire to do so.
The life cycle of marital union starts with courtship, marriage, honeymoon, birth of first child, kids going to school, teenagers, and older kids leaving home, becoming a grandparent and finally retiring. You moved from parental role back to your primary role as a spouse.
Most marriages don’t have an adequate period of courtship. You need the opportunity to know each other under varying circumstances and find out if you are compatible. As you get older, your needs become more individualized. Are your needs so diverse or your cultural traditions so far apart, it is impossible for you to have a shared identity. Can you see yourselves as a pair with no dependence on romantic or illusory elements? When you are in love you are influence by insane transient passions and must swear that you will remain in that excited abnormal exhausting condition till death do you part?
You must look at your likes and dislikes. What friends do you admire? Is your mutual interest in movies, sports, books, values, and attitudes? Is money more important over artistic achievement? Do you want to move around or stay put. Do you like to be in charge or be a follower? We live in a mobile society. Everyone changes jobs, homes, and locations.
Marrying your own kind has its merit. Divorce couples often lack similarity in social class, education, value system, religious background and life goals. You stay tied because of the kids, but your differences are accentuated when the kids leave.
More than one third of brides are pregnant. Many are happy and enduring marriages. But would the marriage take place if there were no pregnancy? You may stay together because of guilt or obligation, but once the kids leave your reasons to stay married disappear. Most marriages stay together and are vigorous with a feeling of discovery and excitement. There must be more forgiveness toward each other for the petty frustrations that crowed your life. You must get a balance between time you each have and the time for your kids. You can have great sexual togetherness even though you are very unhappy in all other areas of your life.
People marry for many reasons. You want personal fulfillment and growth. Children enhance the union and give you a link to posterity. You must also understand your mate’s needs and likes.
The empty nest syndrome can revitalize after your kids grow up and leave. You have put your own interest aside for the sake of kids for so many years. Now you can love the opportunities for intimacy with each other and resume delayed creative activaties. Being free again does not require measures to prevent a divorce. If your marriage was rocky, you may now seek freedom. It may be your last chance for love you never experienced in your marriage
How much effort will you make to change yourself and make your marriage work? If you say zero, you are saying there is nothing wrong with you. Your mate should change. There may also be another person in the wings and you really want to dump your mate
Spend more time intimately with your spouse. You must understand yourself and your mate. Mutual gratification of your mates needs leads to love, intimacy and a healthy marriage.
With all your kids gone, you have an opportunity now to push your ambitions aside, lower your expectations, eliminate depression and enjoy your free time for intimacy love, trust of each other and your joy in life. You can now develop a love for each other and for your marriage. Life is beautiful. Enjoy this stage in your life.
Your comments are always appreciated.
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